Australia, the Land Down Under. A big beautiful island at the bottom of the earth where Kate and I lived for 6 years and are proud and happy to say we are citizens of.
A country that we never even expected to go to, let alone live. A country that is now deeply embedded in our hearts and we will forever love.
One thing we did not expect was to learn that Australia is Fxcking mental!!! Here is a free Australia tutorial for what to expect!
The people are some of the friendliest you will ever meet in the world, but my god do they have some crazy habits! This is the country where they invented a stick to fly away from you and return. Let’s delve into this a bit deeper.
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Language
I have to admit I am a person who probably speaks with an above-average amount of curse words, so I fit right in with Australians!
The first lesson we will learn in this complete Australia tutorial is, that it is mandatory in Australia to use the word fxck or c-nt at least once in a sentence. No matter what the age or sex of that person or who the person is you are speaking to.
Australians are very busy all the time, time to an Aussie is like water in The Outback. It can be very scarce and precious. For that reason, Aussies shorten almost all of their words and replace them with the letter O.
Afternoon in Australia is “arvo”. Don’t ask for a liquor shop when thirsty, speak the local dialect and ask for “the bottleO”. Need to get fuel for the car? A service station is “a servo”. Devastated becomes “devo”. An ambulance driver is “an ambo”. A musician is “a muso” and that’s only a tiny proportion for the letter O, I won’t even begin with the letter Y……….
Word Creativity
Word creativity in Australia a couple of hundred years back did not exist. When an explorer saw something new, it was pretty much named what it looked like.
Let’s imagine a conversation between Jack and Bruce back in those days. Read the following in an Australian accent.
Jack: That’s a snake and it’s brown. Bruce: let’s call it a brown snake. Jack: that little kangaroo looks more like a rat and smells like shit. Bruce: We will call it “A Musky Rat Kangaroo”. Jack: Look at this Ibis bird eating the rubbish. Bruce: From now on we will call that bird a Bin Chicken!
The same rule was applied to place names. A water spring where air bubbles up – Bubble-Bubble, a land that has no hills or mountains – Boobs Flat. Mount Blowhard, Bullshit Hill, Cock Wash Creek, all real places! I wonder why they were called that……
You would think by now the level of creativity would have been a lot higher than it was back in those days, but a few years ago when a new species of bat was discovered, scientists observed that he looked like a very familiar figure from Star Wars. Voilà, Yoda Bat was introduced to the world!
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The One Accent
In nearly every country i have been I know that if you are from the north of that country you will sound totally different to a person from the south of that country.
Just listen to an Irish, Scottish, Welsh, and English accent – four very different countries within close proximity that sound nothing like each other.
Yet in Australia, everyone sounds the same, there is only one accent! It doesn’t matter if you are from Perth on the west side of Australia or Sydney on the east side, it all sounds the same.
Imagine everyone in the US had only one accent and all sounded like Texans or New Yorkers!
WTF Are You Saying?!
Sometimes you may find yourself in the middle of a conversation with a friend or a stranger. You being the listener and the other person being the speaker. Halfway through the speaker’s own story, you will start hearing a funny sound that will sound like “RaaRaaRaa“.
That will be the moment when they are speaking but in fact, got bored hearing their own story, so they decided to shorten and finish their tale by saying RaaRaaRaa. (“RaaRaaRaa” translated from Australian to English means – “I couldn’t be arsed finishing my sentence”)
My Mate Just Insulted Me….I Think
Where it starts to get a bit more confusing is when you actually make new friends, you will recognize that moment you are now in a friendship when your new friend will greet you by calling you a C-NT.
Your natural reaction will have you being confused, but what your new friend is trying to say is that he in fact likes you and would like to go for a beer.
The Aussie Dictionary
Finally, in this part of our language Australia tutorial, I would like to translate some useful words and phrases from Australian to English.
- A chook – is a chicken (This can be cooked or still alive!)
- Bloody Oath – stands for, yes sir I politely agree.
- Drongo – is a less intelligent person.
- Milkbar – is a corner shop.
- Roadie – is a beer for the road (And in some cases, a beer while you are in the shower, remember they are very busy people!)
- Snags – are sausages that are part of the daily nourishment. Barbequed of course!
Fashion and Style
For our next tutorial, we will be looking at fashion and style. Australia has some very unique animals that are only found in that part of the world.
That uniqueness also shows in the way Australians dress and present themselves.
No Shirt No Shoes No Problem
Often you will encounter a person in a supermarket doing their weekly shopping without wearing any shoes or a T-shirt.
This is not a homeless person, this is just a person who consciously chose to do their shopping barefooted. Depending on the level of comfort that day a t-shirt can be optional.
When the shopper is feeling completely relaxed no T-shirt will be worn. Once the customer has completed their shopping duties, they will return to their vehicle to drive home barefoot.
If the customer does not have their own form of transport, then a shopping trolley will be used to transport their shopping home. This shopping trolley can then be discarded anywhere on the street.
Now and again, it does rain in Australia causing roads and walkways to become wet. This is not ideal for barefooted individuals. Socks will be worn for these occasions, but footwear will still remain nonexistent.
This is okay as only the soles of the socks will get wet. If no t-shirt is being worn a singlet may suffice.
At nighttime when it gets cold only flannel shirts are accepted as an appropriate dress and baseball caps are always mandatory!
“Thongs”
Sometimes you will witness people wearing footwear, chances are quite high that this type of footwear is a pair of thongs.
This is not to be confused with a pair of lady knickers. It is a rebranding for the name “flip flop”.
The Stereotypical Aussie Bloke
There are three types of haircuts in Australia for the male species.
The first one is a classic, a haircut that was invented in the 80s and only grew stronger from there – “The Mullet”. A mullet symbolizes status in Australia, the longer or more obscene looking often means more pride and confidence in the male individual. Extremely confident males also sport a mustache as well. Do not look a person with both a mullet and a mustache directly in the eye.
When wandering through Australia you might also think to yourself now and again “I have seen that person before”. After a while, you will see that person again in a shop, a bar, barbequing in a park, or just simply walking down the street. It is in fact not the same person you are witnessing the entire time but more than likely a completely different individual.
This is where you will notice the second haircut in Australia. Australian males that go bald, regardless of what age they are will shave their heads of hair and to make up for the lack of head hair a massive beard will be grown. To non-Australians this will portray as an optical illusion, and you will mistakenly believe that you are seeing the same person over and over again.
The last haircut and style are called “The Bushman Look”. This look is a bit of a wildling or homeless look. This is a person who has not had a haircut in a long time.
The same type of person you will see in a pub on a Friday night still in his work gear but at the same time driving an $ 80,000 4×4 Hilux.
Food
Australian cuisine is also unique just like the fashion/style and its animals. For some unknown reason, Australian cuisine has never made it as world-famous as other cuisines such as Italian, Mexican, and Thai. Let’s analyze this.
If you were to ask anyone what Australia’s most famous animal is, 99% would answer “the kangaroo”.
This symbol is as significant to Australia as a shamrock is to Ireland. It is the badge and face of Australia. You will see symbols of it everywhere – the coat of arms, coins, and logos for their national sports teams.
Yet it is also part of Australian cuisine! You can buy it in every main supermarket in different variations – burgers, sausages, kebabs, and steaks.
In fairness though, a lot of people find this disgusting and say they could never eat kangaroo. Instead, they buy it in mince form to feed their dogs.
Australia is the only country in the world where they eat their own national animal!
An Aussie BBQ
We just spoke about burgers, and who doesn’t love a good burger?
We were lucky to be invited to a couple of classic Aussie barbeques and the Aussies sure know how to cook up a delicious mouthwatering burger!
A flame-grilled 100% beef patty (sometimes kangaroo!) toasted buns, melted cheese, some fried onions, and some fat juicy slices of BEETROOT!!!
WTF Australia!!! No one even likes tomatoes on burgers! I don’t even know any people that like beetroot………why are you ruining that tasty burger?!
Let’s Go To a Hardware Shop For a Snack
A famous establishment in Australia is a hardware chain called “Bunnings”. It sells all sorts of hardware tools, garden supplies, timber, paint, etc. But what it is most famous for is…….a Bunnings snag! (If you remember previously, a snag is a sausage).
People flock outside and queue for ages at these establishments where a stall will be set up in the car park or outside the entrance to buy one. Most of the time they do not even buy anything DIY-related, just “a snag”.
We will now do a quick exercise. Translate the following, when your friend Bruce asks you: “Oi C-nt, let’s get a roadie and go to Bunnings to grab a snag”. What is he saying to you?
If you answered – My friend Bruce, really loves me and he would like to grab a refresment and a snack, you are correct!
Animals
I have previously mentioned how Australia has so many unique animals that are only found in that part of the world. Many of them are cute and cuddly looking, others look unusual and dangerous.
What they all have in common though is that they will all try and kill you.
Lots of Venomous Creatures
Let’s begin with some snakes. Of the top 25 deadliest snakes in the world, 21 of them are found in Australia.
Snakes such as the red-bellied black snake, eastern-brown snake, yellow-banded snake, and tiger snake (once again remember word creativity!) are just some of these extremely venomous snakes you will find in Australia.
We will stay on the venomous creature subject because snakes are not the only venomous creatures you will find there.
There are lots of different types of jellyfish in the coastal waters. The most famous of these would be the “Irukandji Jellyfish”. What makes this one stand out so much is not because of its deadly toxins (100 times stronger than that of a King Cobra) but because of its size. It is only one centimeter long!!
Then, of course, you still have lots of different types of deadly spiders, a blue-ringed octopus of which there is no anti-venom, the most venomous fish in the world – a stonefish (that you can potentially stand on its spikes because of its camouflage), deadly snails with a tiny harpoon of toxins and venomous millipedes.
I know the following is not an animal but there is even a type of tree that can sting you where you will feel the effect for days, sometimes even weeks. Think of a 35-meter-tall giant nettle!
Still, feeling brave to get in the water? I didn’t even mention the saltwater crocodiles and sharks…………..
The Platypus
The Platypus is probably the world’s most crazy-looking creature you will ever come across.
What is a platypus you ask? If a mammal, a bird, and a reptile had a baby it would be a platypus. It has a beak like a duck but a body like a beaver.
It is one of two mammals in the world that lays eggs instead of a live-born young (the other of course also being in Australia, the echidna – a type of hedgehog).
If you think that this sounds mental already, then I have one more crazy fact for you. A platypus is also venomous!
It is only the males that have a type of venomous spur behind their feet. It is not deadly to humans, only to small mammals, but if it stabbed you with its spur you would get a sting strong enough to make you cry.
Even Birds Will Attack You!
Lastly in our Australia tutorial, an animal that is common all over the world – the magpie.
In Australia of course the magpie is slightly different again. When we first came to Australia, we saw lots of people cycling with zip ties strapped to their helmets. We just presumed it was an Aussie Mad Max kind of thing. Turns out magpies attack as well!!
I remember cycling through a park one day, happy out when all of a sudden I got a slap on the side of my head. I was not sure what had happened, but I was bleeding from my ear. A moment later I nearly got slapped on the other side of my head. A magpie was swooping down at me relentlessly. I had to cycle/ flee away like a weakling, the magpie had beaten me.
For some reason, they hate people on bikes but if you wear zip ties strapped to your helmet the magpie won’t be able to get near you even if it is trying to swoop down on you.
Watching magpies attacking cyclists or people who are just walking is one of the funniest things you can ever witness. Unless it is you of course……….
There are so many different types of animals in Australia it will take a long time to sight them all. Let’s play one last game, how many of the following animals have you heard of or know what they are?
We will start of with some easy ones. A bandicoot, a quokka, a bilby, a cassowary, a tree kangaroo (it is not a kangaroo), a skink (not a skunk), a numbat (you guessed it, not a wombat) and finally a quanda.
Crazy no??!
Australia Tutorial Summary
We hope you enjoyed this manual about Australia, take it with a pinch of salt (except for the animal part, that is all fact!).
Australia is a big beautiful and very diverse country, it is not all like a Mad Max world, only in some parts! The best way to experience it all is by coming over and visiting it for yourself!
If you would like to know some of the road trips we took through EACH state then check out the links below.
- Our Amazing Itineraries in Australia- Exploring the Outback
- Our Amazing Itineraries in Australia – Brisbane to Sydney
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Slán go fóil
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Bahahahaha the magpies! I had forgotten that!
Snags on the barbie!☺️
The dreaded Magpies…yet hilarious!
Nothing wrong with a bit of beetroot in your burger
Don’t forget Aussie’s also love to just stop telling a story by just ending a sentence with the word but .. and leaving you to fill in the blanks!
Our first experience of beetroot on a burger was with you in Kalbarri actually! Scarred!